If someone you know comes out as trans* you may not know how to react, especially if you don’t know other trans* people. It is important to remember that they have probably felt this way for a long time and it might be very hard for them to tell you. They probably want you’re reassurance and support. As it has been said, they’ve had much more time to think about it so they won’t expect you to understand this part of their identity instantaneously. With time, however, hopefully you’ll get to know each other at a more honest and open level and this will only strengthen your relationship. Remember also, that many trans* people face discrimination and so they will want as many supportive friends as possible not only for discrimination but while they transition – from their genetic sex to the sex they feel comfortable with.

There’s no right way to explain how someone identifies as trans*, so it is up to you to find out how they do and hopefully this will strengthen your relationship as you get to know them better.

Through the process of this transition they may ask you to refer to them by a different pronoun or name from that you are used to. They won’t expect you to do this without fault, but it is best to try to use the pronoun they prefer so that they feel comfortable with their identity and know that you are comfortable with it too.  There are other things to remember too which is covered in the trans* etiquette section. You may already know these from conversations with trans* people you know.

Trans* etiquette

• Names and pronouns: for a lot of trans* people, having the right name and pronouns used for them is very important. Though it may be hard at first, you should try to use the right names and pronouns if asked to, as it shows that you respect this part of their identity and are doing your best to show support.
• At first you may struggle with this as it can take some time to get used to, so they may understand if you make a slip. With time, however, they may feel more uncomfortable with being referred to with the wrong pronoun. If you do make a slip, try to judge the situation; it may feel inappropriate to draw more attention to your mistake by acknowledging it there and then. It may be better to acknowledge your mistake later on and so just carry on as before, trying to use the correct pronoun.
• Never ask what someone’s “real name” is – not everyone feels that the name on their birth certificate or passport is their real name. Similarly with pronouns, if someone asks you to call them he/she/it/they/something else entirely, then you should try to do so.
• Never intentionally use a different pronoun as it can be very disrespectful and even insulting.
• If you’re not sure, just ask (politely) which pronouns they prefer; do not ask whether they prefer “he” or “she”.
• Medical questions: If you have questions about someone’s medical treatment, remember that they may not feel comfortable with answering questions. If you do have questions try to weigh out whether they’d be appropriate. Also consider where and when you might ask any questions. Trans* people might be especially guarded about medical questions, so it is often best to stray away from asking such questions and allowing them to tell you if they want to.
• “Tranny”: Trans* people may use this word to refer to themselves, feeling they have reclaimed it, in a similar way to how lesbians may refer to themselves as “dykes”. You may equally have trans* friends who do don’t mind you using this word. However, if you don’t know someone well enough to be absolutely sure that they feel comfortable with the use of this word then you should avoid using it. It is also best to avoid using it in general conversation, as it is considered a derogatory term and is linked to transphobic abuse.