Coming Out

Coming out (of the closet) is the name given to the process of disclosing your sexuality to other people – it can also be used as by transgender people as they come to recognise and publicly acknowledge their gender identity. The process of coming out is unique to everyone, with some finding it more difficult to do than others. It is also an ongoing process, sometimes daily, that generally gets easier to do the more you do it. Many find that the hardest people to come out to are family and friends, while for others it may be their colleagues at work or university.

For many people, coming out is the event that finally allows them to be themselves and is generally a major turning point for many. The most important thing to remember is that it is an ongoing process – just as it has taken you a long time to come to terms with your sexuality/gender identity, it will take others time to adjust as well.

To help, here are some suggestions on making sure your experience is as stress free as possible:

Family

For many people, telling their family – in particular their parents - is the most difficult but also important part of the coming out process. It allows LGBT people to be more honest and up front about their lives and allows them to introduce significant friends and partners to their family without worrying about how they know them. It is a good idea to test the waters first – gain some level of insight into what your parents/relatives think about LGBT people. This can be done by talking about a gay character in a soap opera, or discussing an openly LGBT celebrity or politician. You may feel that there is a particular relative that you think is more approachable – by coming out to them first, they can help support you when it comes to telling others. For example, some may choose to approach their Mum before their Dad or a close Aunt before their parents.

Be prepared before telling anyone, particularly if you live at home – although it is very unlikely, it is not unknown for parents to throw their children out after they reveal themselves to be LGBT. Most eventually reconcile but some never do. If you are particularly worried about this happening, it may help to find someone else, be it a relative or a friend, who understands the situation and who can perhaps help support you if this happens. Even if your parents’ reaction is not this extreme, knowing you have somewhere to go to give each other some space can be helpful. Choose your time and place carefully – you will know what is best for you and your family. Avoid drinking to “steady your nerves” – it might help you to get the words ‘I’m gay’ out but it might leave you unprepared for the reaction. It is also useful to think about the kind of questions your parents may ask you (such as questions about how long you have known, your relationships, if you are practising safer sex etc) allowing you to come up with answers. Remember that it will take time for your parents and family to adjust to the idea of you being LGBT – even those who are accepting and happy with their child’s sexuality may come up against issues with it at some stage. Remembering how long it may have taken you to come to terms with your own sexual orientation/gender identity can help to make sense of how long it may take your own family to accept it.

 Friends

Many people tell friends first as they believe it is easier – and to a certain extent, this is true as you can pick your friends but you cannot pick your family. However, your friends may feel betrayed or upset that you have been hiding this from them, particularly if you are close. But by explaining to them how long has taken you to accept yourself, allows them to understand that it was nothing to do with the level of trust in your friendship. Just as you may get a bad reaction from family members, you may also face negative responses from friends. While this may just be temporary, some people may not feel comfortable with your decision to be open about your sexuality and may choose to no longer be friends with you. This is their problem not yours – good friends are the ones that will stick by you regardless.

Colleagues

This very much depends on the sort of environment you work in. If people are usually quite open about their lives outside of the classroom/work place, you may wish to subtly mention your orientation. In general, telling your colleagues is very much a personal choice and some people are able to live quite happily without discussing their personal lives with their co-workers. However, coming out to your employers may be necessary if you are entitled to certain benefits that are given to heterosexual employees and their partners – for example, if your employer offers private healthcare insurance to employees and their partners, this should be available to all couples. Also remember that workplace homophobic bullying is a serious offence and that you have every right to report it to your senior member of staff or university adviser.